Do you have capacity?

A question we could be asking before (sometimes) unloading ourselves onto others.

Let me preface this first by saying - not all the time. Sometimes we need to let loose, sometimes we need to crumble and allow the people around us to hold us, listen, and care for us through our experiences.

But, if you quite often see or hear yourself sharing with others what’s going on for you without asking how they are or if they have space, this essay could be for you.

And if you don’t, it could be for you anyway.

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Do you have capacity?

A simple yet powerful question which gives the person you’re about to speak with the choice about whether they have space to hold what the conversation is about to bring. Sometimes in all kinds of relationships, it can be assumed that because you are there you have to listen. That you have to show up. That you have to have space.

The reality is, we actually don’t always have the space to hold others, and sometimes, because of what may be going on in our own world, surroundings, physical body or psyche - we actually can’t.

And this is SO okay.

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I’ll start with what brought these thoughts in the first place.

2 or 3 weeks in a row now a friend - who I love and care deeply about - has contacted me out of the blue, with no question of how I am or whats going on in my day/life or if I’ve had capacity, and has began chatting about something that I actually haven’t had space to hold.

A couple of times I’ve been busy, just waking up, or heading to work, and haven’t been available for a chat. Me expressing that can’t talk now & that I’m not available has been met with radio silence. No follow up questions, no ‘okay have a good day talk later’.

Just silence.

My response to this has been pretty neutral - I’ve kind of ignored it for the most part, and feel strong in my self + boundaries, knowing that having my own life and being unavailable to talk sometimes is completely normal. If anything it’s felt slightly uncomfortable because in the past I may have put my priorities aside to be available, however I’m consciously choosing differently now.

I was also intuitively getting the sense that instead of being there for a mutual chat I was being used as an unloading station - and personallyyyyy I feel my time, friendship, emotional space + entire self is worth a lot more than that.

But, it got me thinking - where in life do we expect others to be available for us, without really ever checking in with them first?

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I can’t speak for everyone, but in my own experience, although I was brought up to think for myself, stand up for myself, and pursue my dreams, at some point I was also taught that if I didn’t do as I was told and be there when I was told to, I was doing the wrong thing. When I was truly authentic and true to myself I was sometimes told that ‘I wasn’t going to get very far in life’, and although coupled together it made me the strong woman I am today, I also adopted the notion that if I didn’t give myself to others - even sometimes to the detriment to myself - I wasn’t doing enough for them.

THIS - what I just described above - is something that I hear SO many people talk about. People pleasing & having low capacity, yet feeling like they still need to do things for others and be there when they physically and mentally can’t. Somewhere throughout time, and life, and all of the experiences that have been had before us - it’s become so normal.

I want to challenge this today and give you the absolute green light to take care of yourself and your own capacity, even if it means - in moments - you may feel that you’re letting other people down.

In reality though, are you really letting them down? Or are you just taking care of your own self first and it maybe feels uncomfortable?

I guarantee you that the people who truly love and care about you would want you to take care of yourself and your own capacity too, rather than finding out that you’ve showed up for them while running yourself into the ground.

And, the ironic (and beautiful) thing is that the more we show up for & have space within ourselves, the more we can show up for - and share that space with - others.

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Now, a question for you.

Is there anywhere in life or any relationships where you rarely (or never) check or ask if they have capacity? Do you unload and share what’s going on for you without first seeing how that person is, if they’re free to talk, or whether they have the capacity or space inside them to listen?

Do you expect others to be constantly available to you because they own a phone, and if someone hasn’t been free for a while, have you made the effort to check in with them about what’s going on in their world?

And have you stayed present enough to listen to their answer?

If we want to be heard, we need to make space for others to be heard too.

To be beautifully & wonderfully crystal clear: the problem isn’t having life happenings, experiences, or occasional dramas and wanting to update our people on that.

That shit is beautiful - never stop.

The problem however can be in assuming others are always available to hold space for us at any given moment - without checking in with them first.

We all have our moments of needing to unload, however expecting others to constantly hold us without holding them back is a different story.

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It could be the fact that I’m moments out from my next period (by the time you read this she will be here, HALLELUJAH), that it’s been a new moon, or maybe - just maybe - that this has been sitting in my body for ages and I’ve finally found the words to express it. Whatever it is, it’s given me as much cause for reflection as anyone else.

I’m all about growing, noticing ourselves & the way we move through life, and discovering new ways of being - not only with ourselves, but with others and the world around us too. And if my communication and way of ‘being’ with others can get that 1% better & more beautiful every day, then I’m stoked.

Before your next chat, maybe check - does this person have capacity? Are they free? What’s happening for them in their world right now? Their answer might surprise you, and contrary to what you might think an even deeper + more beautiful moment of conversation & connection could occur.

You may both end up feeling more heard - rather than them just acting as a sounding board.

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Thank you for being here, for spending these few moments with me, and for reading my process, writing, thoughts and outlook on the world.

Now, time for a beautiful & magical rest of your day.

And remember to love yourself,

always and fully.

Amber x